For Black Women, Men Do Leave

Where are all the good, black men? They are not gone. They just don't feel like they need to be there. As people may know, black people are not monolithic in their perceptions or attitudes about their social conditions or the factors that have created our unique place in society. But, among black men and women, there are different perceptions on the importance of black culture and identity. With all social processes, this identity forms in childhood. And this difference becomes glaringly obvious (as adults) in their views of interracial dating. In this area, the roles and thoughts of "crossing the color line" couldn't be more profound. Not only do black men date more out of their race (nearly 4 to 1), in modern times, it has become the function of the black women to preserve the “torch” of black culture. And this pathology has enormous implications on the future of black identity and its cultural direction.

First of all, there is no doubt about the drastic effects of racism and ethnic stereotypes that have plagued African Americans (particularly men) during slavery and the Jim Crow era. As a response, many black parents have maintained a protective position around their children (particularly boys), trying to instill many effective social stances that will serve them well in the larger white community. That being said, against the backdrop of sobering statistics on black men incarcerated or in the criminal justice system, the lagging sadness of the prospects for black males means that as children, there is a tendency for black boys to be declared the “victim” before they are out of the cradle. In terms of the black male's view of interracial dating, any way out of the “victim hood” stance can be seen as an improvement, especially if they can benefit from an outside connection (the spouse).

For black men, the scenario of interracial dating stems from the fear of low expectations prompted by the black community, ironically, as self-defense mechanisms to defend against disappointment and blatant discrimination. The "nothing to lose" pathos shown in modern hip-hop videos and movie images of black men "out to get mine" quite clearly illustrates the anticipation of reduced opportunities in life. Viewed from the lens of hip-hop, the ultra-masculine stereotypes of black men are denigrating, yet strangely attractive to white youth, females included. The swarthiness and candor of the jive-talking black man can be very attractive to other women who want to know what the "other side is like." Black females, on the other hand, like most Western women, continue to focus on the home, particularly in roles caring for younger siblings or extended family. As this notion of “familiar responsibility” is strong amongst all women, African-American females in particular have had more than their share of the housework and preserving the integrity of the home.

Up to the late twentieth century, as the inner cities crumbled and unemployment began to soar, the financial pressures began to wear down the black family, through divorce and even marriage because the welfare system became a liability in receiving a living income. The end result: the number of single, female households grew to more than 70% of black families, developing into a de-facto matriarchal system (wrongly associated with the black underclass). Thus, for many African-American women, it is they who are the “black family” battling against the white patriarchy.

In terms of interracial relationships, marriage outside of their race can be harder on the female psyche because of the spectrum of children seen by black society as having “given up” their blackness by having a non-black father, whose male influence on the children will not be “black,” though they are both black and white. For African American women, the ghetto stereotypes have left them looking saucy, demanding and money-driven (not the ideal woman), leaving some women to carry feelings of deliberate isolation as if they were a booby trap (no pun intended). In either case, the black male benefits by being the only other type of person who can truly understand what she, the black female, is going through. Interracial dating is not disturbing; on the contrary, as societies merge, via improved social conditions, it is a natural process of integration, leading to new social structures. Racial and cultural mixing has happened before and will happen again.

However, what is disturbing is the rate at which black men are leaving the black family not due to crime, the criminal justice system, or poverty, but due to social nuances generated by our own culture, which unknowingly open the door for men to leave, often leaving a guilty conscience to the embattled family champion, the black female. Add to this the fact that the African-American male/female ratio is slightly to the advantage of men and this has caused some black men to become arrogant, using the knowledge as a weapon, feeling black women will compete for them, and, at times, even put up with extramarital dalliances in order to preserve the family. With all the self-help books, seminars, talk shows and films that explore the topic of interracial dating, there is a slow realization that liberation is not just from the outside, but from within. And for black men to really love black women, they must be willing to let them go - no guilt, no hurt, no worries. It is time for the black female to seek her own liberation, time to see what life has to offer her and where a rainbow of luck and courage can take her. Don't worry about us; we will be fine (and there with you). Explore your world. We, too, can grow up through familiar responsibility. And we will make you proud.*

(*Note: This is not a gift; it's a promise.)

Courtesy of http://www.afroroots.com