Losses In Love
I think it's time I shared my story with other sisters like myself. You see, my focus here is to hopefully save someone before it is too late. This is my story.
When I met him, I was 21-years-old, young, vibrant and sexy as hell. Full of the confidence we sisters are known to possess. I was a single parent raising one child and had a damn good job and my own place. What more could I have asked for? I had all this before I was even 21. Then he walked into my life. Tall, dark and handsome, full of dreams and ambition and before long I was "caught up." At first I thought it was cute when he'd say, "Baby stay at home with me tonight" whenever I wanted to go out. I would call my girlfriends back and say, "Gurl, he wants me to stay home with him tonight. Y'all go on and have fun." And then it started. I was staying home and he was going out. Slowly but surely, I was becoming “HIS” in every sense of the word. He owned me. He told me what to wear, how to wear it and when to wear it. He even chose my friends. Guess what? Soon I didn't have any friends. I was alone and now I was pregnant. The first time he hit me, I was about 5 to 6 months along in my pregnancy. Of course, he said he was sorry and that it would never happen again. And for months, it didn't. But, ladies, trust me when I tell you: the mental abuse was far more painful than the physical.
You see, the bruises go away with time, but the words linger on like unchained melodies; you constantly hear them and, ultimately, you never forget! I was so stressed out that our daughter was born prematurely. Only by the grace of God did she make it. Now I have two kids and an abusive man who, incidentally, is not working now. Without warning, he decided he wasn't punching any more clocks for the man. He wanted to make it by getting his hustle on. Slowly I watched as my savings were depleted (they hustled on) and my self-worth destroyed. And I again became pregnant (silly me).
Now the beatings are more frequent, the verbal abuse more vicious, and I am scared to death, fearing for my very life.
Now, ladies, at 6'1, I am by no means a little woman and yet he still towers over me, making me feel no larger than a shadow. So for years I hid the bruises, shunned the words that cut like a knife and put up with the phone calls from his women. Why? Because I was ugly with three kids and who would want me? It was just like a scene from “The Color Purple.”
This is what he drilled in my head daily and I believed him! I believed I was unattractive and thought any potential man saw me as untouchable. But one day, some 13 years later, I woke up and smelled the coffee. And, believe me, it had definitely been brewing long enough.
I looked at myself in the mirror and found a fragment of the woman I was 13 long years ago. Finally, at 34, I said enough is enough! When he woke that next morning, the first words I greeted him with were " GET OUT!!!" The fight was on then, blow for blow, as we went round for round. Out went the all past fears and the anguish gave me strength, my courage more than my own and when it was over, he was leaving. He was getting out of my house and out of my life!
Today I stand before you because I had the courage to finally do so and I’m okay, just as you will be, too. Abuse is not love because love does not hurt.